


I just want to be loved...

by Dance_MrSandMan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Crowley, Emotional Hurt, Godless Man Crowley, Human!Crowley, Men Crying, Rejection, Season 8 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 12:58:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19318669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dance_MrSandMan/pseuds/Dance_MrSandMan
Summary: It's the demon trials and Crowley is the last ingredient. As Sam continues to give him his blood, the King of Hell slowly becomes human... and he's not sure it's a bad thing. He's ready to be human, ready for that second chance at life, only to have it snatched away at the last second.Such forgiveness is not for a Godless man like him, is it?





	I just want to be loved...

"I deserve to be loved!"

When Crowley screamed, he wasn't seeing Sam Winchester, the man who had him bound to a chair and was slowly returning his humanity, the man who was restoring his soul and thawing his frozen heart, letting him feel just how broken it truly was. Instead, he saw Castiel, the angel he had fallen for and who made him believe he had felt the same. He wanted to ask the blue-eyed angel a thousand questions, he wanted to scream and shout and beg him for answers. Why did he break his heart? Was it because he didn't think he would feel it? Was he not good enough for the angel?

"I just want to be loved," he said quietly, wanting him to understand. "What?" The angel asked, but it didn't sound like him, his voice was all wrong. The demons vision began to blur, his angel becoming fuzzy around the edges. He blinked and he was gone, Sam Winchester standing in his place. Where was Castiel? He was never there, and he never will be. Why would he? The angel had no room for a demon like him in his life. He stared up at Sam, realizing what he just said to the human, the human who had no business knowing anything about him. He looked around in confusion, realizing where he was and what was going on. Right. Sam was curing him, completely the trials to close the gates of Hell forever.

The next hour was more painful than all the others combined, and for the most part of it, he and Sam avoided eye contact. Sam was nothing like Castiel, so why did he see him instead? It must be the blood. There was no other explanation. But the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to see the angel again and he wanted to be good enough for him. Crowley slowly looked at Sam, wondering what the man had to do, what he had to say, to be able to be good enough to cure a demon like him.

Sam checked his watch, and at seeing the time, he turned his wrist over to draw the small amount of blood he would need as Crowley watched him. "Would it be possible, Moose," the demon king started, trying to find the right words to say. "I'd like… to ask you a-a favor, Sam." The young Winchester stood from his chair and began to walk towards the demon, looking at him curiously. "Earlier, when you were confessing back there… what did you say?" Crowley wanted, _needed_ , to know. And who better to ask than Sam? "I only ask because given my history… it raises the question…" The king looked around as he tried to form the words, his vision blurring again. "Where do I start… to even look for forgiveness? I mean…" he could feel the tear that ran down his face, and it made him feel better if only a little. There were so many things he had done, as a human and as a demon, that he didn't have the faintest idea on how to begin.

Sam stared at Crowley for a moment, seeing the desperation, the pure raw emotion that crossed his face and swam in his eyes. He was doing it, he was curing a demon, curing the _King of Hell_. It was almost sad, seeing him like this. He knew the feeling all too well, having gone a year without his soul and to suddenly feel guilt and regret for what he had done and said to all of those people. But that was just one year, it was nothing compared to the centuries Crowley had on him. It only had to be worse. "How about we start with this?" he said, holding up the syringe that contained his blood. He watched the demon's eyes flicker to the object, soon tilting his head to the side as his eyes closed.

Sam gave him the blood and an hour more did they wait.

The closer the hour drew, the more pain Crowley was in. Parts of his body began to hurt for the first time in centuries as he slowly became human. It burned as he took a breath, his nose ached, and his ass was beginning to feel numb from how long he had been sitting on it. His legs itched to move, begging him to get up and walk around. "Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, hanc animam redintegra, lustra," Sam said, looking at Crowley as the demon let out a few harsh breathes of air. The demon watched as the hunter cut his palm, his arms glowing with an unknown power.

As Sam walked towards him, he could have sworn he heard Dean shout out his angels' name.

Sam's hand was so close to the demon's lips he could smell the blood and power. He was afraid and scared of what was to come, but he so desperately wanted to be human again, to have that second chance at everything and make things right. So when Dean bursts into the church, shouting for his brother to stop, Crowley felt it all die and fall to the floor with his heart as Sam stopped advancing towards him, eventually walking away. He couldn't move, only stared at the empty space where the young Winchester had been moments ago. Faintly, he could hear the brothers arguing, Sam saying he needed to do this while Dean says all he can to keep him from continuing.

Crowley wanted to scream out in pain, stand from the chair he was bound to and overturn everything he could, beg Sam to save him from himself. Instead, he sat there, tears filling his eyes as he screamed out his frustration inside his head, not a word of it leaving his lips. Was it not meant to be? Was he forced to endure this pain, and hate, and rejection for all of eternity? He opened his mouth, air leaving his lungs pathetically as the boys left him alone in the church. Alone. Always and forever alone.

Crowley closed his eyes, lips quivering as tears fell once more. Maybe Castiel had been right, back when they were business partners and no one has fallen for the other quite yet. Maybe he had been right when he said that God had abandoned us, because how else could you explain his salvation being pulled away by some pretty boy dressed in old blue jeans and dirty flannels?

He thought back to that day so long ago when they had the conversation that made Castiel look at him in a way he never had before. Crowley had been washing his hands off, the water turning red and pink with blood. The monster he had been torturing having just been sent away as Castiel walked in. The angel had looked around, before sitting down on what seemed to be the only clean surface in the lab as he started up with his 'God has abandoned us' nonsense. "You're not going on about that again, are you, kitten? I thought you would have seen it by now," Crowley said, turning from the sink to face the angel as he dried his hands.

He couldn't help but stare at the seraphims vessel. He was never a man of God when he was a human, nor was he now, but even so, one simply couldn't deny that something far greater than himself, something _divine_ , had to have created something as beautiful as the creature before him now. "He left because he saw he was crippling the humans from how much he was interfering in their lives," he told the angel, those impossibly blue eyes staring at him intently. "They don't like to make their own decisions, shoulder their own blame, or mature as a species. So, he stepped away to stop being a-, what are the kids call it these days? Helicopter parent?"

Crowley opened his eyes when he heard something outside, smelling burning flesh from miles away. Looking over at the window, he saw balls of fire raining down from the heavens. It didn't take long for him to realize that the Angel's were falling to the earth. Suddenly, he began to worry for Castiel, fear gripping him tightly as he begged an absent God to keep his angel safe. 


End file.
